pun and joke thread

This is not as much of a joke as it is a fact about our economy
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for a beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.

The fifth would pay $1.00

The sixth would pay $3.00

The seventh would pay $7.00

The eighth would pay $12.00

The ninth would pay $18.00

The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.00

So that’s what they decided to do. The men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with arraignment, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.

“Since you are all such good customers, he said, I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.00.

“Drinks for the ten men now cost just $80.00

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men – the paying customers? How could they divide the $ 20 windfall so that everyone would get there “fair share?” They realized that $ 20.00 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay!

And so:

The fifth man like the first four, now paid nothing ( 100% savings).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).

The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28% savings).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of 12 (25% savings).

The ninth now paid 14 instead of 18 (22% savings).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before! And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

“I only got a dollar out of the $20“ declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, “but he got $10!”

“Yeah, that’s right, shouted the seventh man. “why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!”

“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in union. “ We didn’t I get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!”

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalist and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.

For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

Hat tip Brother Slavo via David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D. The original author of this simple guide is unknown.

If you are offended by blond jokes, stop reading now. And if this is considered disrespectful, mods, go ahead and delete it. With that being said…

Three girls were standing on a cliff. A redhead, a brunette, and a blond. An old man came up behind them and said

“Hey, if you jump off the cliff, you land in whatever you say.”
So the redhead says “Okay.” And jumps. She shouts out “PILLOWS!!!” and lands in a pile of pillows.

The brunette jumps and shouts, “MARSHMALLOWS!!!” And lands in a pile of marshmallows.

The blond says, “Hmm, what should I say?” She trips of the edge of the cliff and shouts “CRUDDD!!!”

1 Like

How do you kill a blonde?
Put a scratch-n-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

ya guys are just killin’ me with them blonde jokes!! ;D :smiley: :slight_smile:

What can last for an eternity?
Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop

How do a blondes brain cells die?
Alone

Why does it take longer to make a blonde snowman?
You must hollow out the head

What’s a bonus for driving with a blonde?
You can park in the handicapped spot.

Why does it take so long for two blondes to make chocolate chip cookies?
One of them has to peel the M&Ms.

Why do blondes drive VWs?
Because they can’t spell BMW.

Why do blondes break their legs when they rake leaves?
They keep falling out of the trees.

What happened to the blonde wolf that got stuck in a trap?
It chewed off three legs, and still remained trapped.

Why did the blonde die ice fishing?
The zamboni ran her over.

Why don’t managers let blondes take coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.

im not kidding when i say this, but you made me look like an absolute FOOL! my parents are haveing a serious descussion about whatever, and i start bursting out laughing. my mom told me to shut up and my dad didnt look too happy. thanks a lot.

-_______________-

Haha.

A blonde is looking for a job in the newspaper, and stumbles upon a painting job. A man wants his porch painted for $50 an hour.

She arrives at the home, and says she’s interested in the job. He instructs her that the porch wraps all the way around the back of the house, and that the extra paint is in the garage. She starts to work, and the man goes back inside.

An hour later, she knocks on the door and exclaims that she’s done. He asks, “Are you sure?” She confirms yes, and she even did two coats. The man is confused at how quickly she completed the job, and gives her the $50. After all, he saved money.

She thanks him and walks home, snickering. “That fool, that’s not a porch, that’s a Miata.”

I was going to post this…

Why’d the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

Why’d the second monkey fall out of the tree?

It was stapled to the first one.

Why’d the third monkey fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.

Another one.

“Mommy mommy! I can’t stop running in circles!”

“Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor.”

Guess what?
What?
That’s what.

Hahahahaha!

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.
“If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?”
After pondering the question she answered, “I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet.”
They said “well okay, thank you.” And told her that they would get back to her.
Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question. In reply, “I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings.” Again, “thank you” and they would get back to her.
Finally, the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question they asked the brunette and the redhead. She thought for a while and replied, “I would like to go to the sun.”
The people from NASA replied, “why, don’t you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?”
The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips. “Are you guys dumb? I’d go at night!”


A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.

Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, “There are no fish there!!”

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.

Again the voice from above bellowed, “There are no fish there!!”

Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly–tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.

“There are no fish there!!”

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, “Is that You, Lord?”

The voice boomed back, “NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!”


On a deserted island there were three women, a blond a brunette and a redhead. They needed to get back to the mainland and the only way was by swimming. The redhead goes first. She makes it a quarter of the way and then she drowns. The brunnette goes second, and makes it one third of the way before drowning. The starts her swim last. She makes it half way and gets tired, so she swims all the way back to the island.

Yo mama so fat, when she goes to the beach, the tide comes in

Yo mama so fat, when she sat on an iPhone it turned into an iPad

Yo mama so fat, when she fell in love, she broke it.

Yo mama so fat, she eats Wheat Thicks

Yo mama so fat that every time she moves, she throws the Earth out of orbit a little

Yoyo mama so fat that when she sat on an H5, it turned into a Token.

Yo mama so ugly that her pillow cries at night

yo mama so ugly that when Medusa saw her, she turned herself into stone

Yo mama so ugly that she has no shadow because it ran away

Yoyo mama so ugly that when she threw a yoyo, it refused to come back.

Yoyo mama so ugly, the MVP2 now has some dignity.

why don’t you like the mvp2 I really like it

[quote=“DrAwesome,post:52,topic:39774”]
Because its the biggest eyesore since yo mama.

Yo mama so ugly, she could crack a mirror polished yoyo.

Yo mama so stupid that she died of starvation in the produce section

Yo mama so fat that when she steps on the scale she says “Hey my phone number!”

Yo mama so fat that she has to haul but twice

A blond was walking down the beach towards the water. The life guard saw that she had head phones and said “Excuse me ma’m, you can’t go into the water with headphones.”

The blond said okay and walked away. A few hours later she tried again and the same thing happened. This time the blond took off her headphones.

A few hours later, the blond washed up on shore dead. The life guard took the headphones and listened. This is what he heard “Breath in, breath out.”

A guy walks into a hardware store and says “Can I have some fries?”

Th man working there replied “This is a hardware store, we don’t sell food.”

The man walked away. The next day the same thing happened. Again the man working there said “We don’t sell food here!”

Again the came back the next day and the man working said “IF YOU ASK ONE MORE TIME, I WILL NAIL YOU TO THE FLOOR!!” The man asked “Do you have any nails?” The employee said “No.”

To this the man replied, “Do you have any fries?”

Two blondes are in a car traveling down a rural highway. The one in the passenger seat is casually gazing out the window when something catches her eye. Sitting up in her seat, she recognizes it is a blonde woman attempting to row a canoe in the middle of a wheat field.

“Hey, look at her!” She says to her friend behind the wheel.
The blonde driving sees the canoeing woman and shakes her head in disgust. “You know, it’s blondes like those that make us look bad.”
“I know, right?” replies the first blonde. “Those dumb blondes make me so mad. If I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her myself!”

so a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all bust outta jail. the cops are in hot pursuit, so the three girls decide to hide in burlap sacks at the dock until the police are gone.

the cops see the three sacks and the of the policemen kicks the one with the redhead in it. she says “meow, meow, meow” the policeman says “oh, it’s just a cat” so he kicks the sack witht he brunette in ti and she says “woof, woof, woof” and the cop says "oh, it’s just a dog.

the cop then kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she says “potatoes, potatoes potatoes”

Three guys are playing baseball. Their names are Manners, Poop, and Shutup. Shutup is pitching, Manners is batting, and Poop is the catcher. Shutup throws the ball and it hits Poop and he passes out.

Shutup calls 911 and they come and ask him “Whats your name?” Shutup says “Shutup.”

The cops tell him “Don’t be rude, whats your name?” Again Shutup says “Shutup.”

The cops reply “Where are your manners?!?”

Shutup then says “Manners is over there, picking up Poop.”

Last week I had to take my dog to the vet, she had MIGHTY Fleas!! Haha

Poop


I am here: http://tapatalk.com/map.php?2wxwmh
|Y|O|R|E|D| @~~

A blond ran out to her mailbox and checked inside. Then she walked inside. She did this again 5 minutes later. And again in another 5 minutes. On the third time her neighbor asks, “Are you expecting something?”

The blond says, “Yeah, my computer keeps saying that I have mail.”

Justin Beiber was born when Chuck Norris punched a crying little girl.

Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories

Chuck Norris can hear Charley Brown’s teachers

Chuck Norris once urinated in the gas tank of a semi, that semi is now know as Optimus Prime

And lastly, Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun

-P.S. If you a belieber I sorry.