whats a cannibals favorite meal… Mack with cheese.
a blind man walked into a bar… a chair… and over a ledge.
i know a guy with one leg named joe.
if anybody asks, i wasn’t the one telling jokes i was only typing them.
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the long face?”
Oh, now that is a good one.
A piece of string walks into a bar. When the bartender sees it, he yells "we don’t serve your kind here. Get out! ". So the piece of string leaves.
A few minutes later, the piece of string returns. It’s all tangled, worn, and twisted up.
When the bartender sees it he says "aren’t you that piece of string I threw out of here a few minutes ago? "
The string replys: “nope, I’m a frayed knot”
At breakfast, the husband says to his wife “What would you
do if I won the Lotto?”
“I’d take my half and leave you” she says.
“Great” he says. “Here’s $6. I won $12 yesterday!
Stay in touch.”
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An old couple is shopping at the grocery store. The husband is picking an item off the shelf and when he turns around he sees that his wife is putting a can of peaches in her purse.
“What are you doing?” he asks. “Did you just put those peaches in your purse?”
His wife replies, “It’s ok, it’s just a can of peaches. And I’m an old woman. Who would suspect me?”
“That’s not the point”, the husband replies. “It’s stealing.”
“Don’t worry, it’ll be fine,” his wife says assuredly. “I’ve done this before and no one suspects a thing.”
Unbeknownst to them, a woman down the aisle overhears this conversation, finds the manager and tells him about the old woman stealing the peaches. When the old couple reach the checkout line, the manager is there waiting and asks the woman to open her purse. Finding the can of peaches, the manager tells them that he’s going to have to press charges against her.
Later, when the woman is standing before a judge, the judge asks her, “Did you really steal this can of peaches?”
“I did, your honor,” the woman replies. “I’m very sorry.”
The judge looks at the can of peaches and says, “Well, there appears to be 8 peaches in this can, so I sentence you to 1 day of jail time per peach. That’s 8 days total.”
Upon hearing this judgement, her husband quickly stands up and calls out to the judge, “Excuse me, your honor! I’ve just heard your judgement and I want you to know something. She also took a can of peas too!”
A Norwegian and a Swede go into a bakery.
The Swede immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Norwegian, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Norwegian says to the Swede, “That’s typical of you Swedes. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.”
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Norwegian swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Norwegian swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?”
The Norwegian replies, “Look in the Swede’s pocket.”
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sorry, my picture of the cell wall joke got moved to the pic only section? were you guys too dumb to understand or what
Yeah, sometimes we’re pretty slow.
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LOL!!!
A skeleton walked into a bar and ordord a beer and a mop
How do you put an Elephant in a refrigerator?
Open the door and put it in.
How do you put a Giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open the door, take out the elephant, and put it in.
So:
If there is Animal Kingdom Meeting, where all the animals get together, who wouldn’t be there?
The GIRAFFE! He’s in the refrigerator.
If you were to cross a Piranha infested river, when would you do it?
Now, because all the Piranhas are at the Animal Kingdom Meeting.
Read this one the other day. Funniest joke I have read in a while.
ive known that one for a long time.
what happened to the two bedbugs who fell in love…
They got married in the spring.
In the national forest of Alaska, Tourist guide was addressing a group of tourists about the dangers of hiking in grizzly hear country. he warned: ‘most bear encounters occur when hikers, unexpectedly stumble into bears. The resulting surprise can be disastrous. To avoid this, we suggest that all hikers wear tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence. Finally exercise added caution when you spot signs of bears in the area, particularly when you see bear droppings.’
One tourist asked:’ how do you identify bear droppings?’
‘easy’ explained the guide. ’ They’re the ones with all the tiny little bells in them.
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Didn’t see that one coming
How do you get pikachu on a boat?
You poke 'em on!
A friend of mine lost all the electrons in his body. He’s feeling pretty positive now.
I thought it went “Two molecules collided. One of them said, ‘I think I lost an electron.’ The other said, ‘Are you sure?’ ‘I’m positive.’”
There are different jokes. Nobody messes with da humor.
the american justice system
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So an Irishman walks out of a bar…
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