I had a terrible day yesterday. As I was walking home, a man in a wheelchair stole my camouflage jacket! As he was wheeling away, I shouted after him, “you can hide, but you cant run!”
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Never challenge Death to a pillow fight, unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions.
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did you hear about the kidnapping yesterday?
it’s fine, he woke up
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Yessss… even more Dad jokes I can get behind
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i told my kid i’m returning my butt for a new one. the one i have has a crack in it…
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Son you are built backwards. Your nose runs and your feet smell! Ta Da………
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It is a scientific fact that dads can’t grab a stud finder and not point it at himself, and say… hey I found a stud!
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Should have done that ages ago!! 
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What did the fish say when it ran into a wall?
“…dam.”
And is that a real yo-yo?
No, you are imagining all of this.
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i’ve been calling out the “dabbin’ dad” and the “flossin’ father” during my celebratory dances, much to my son’s critique, and embarrassment in the public forum…
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Funny I thought the German butcher who made sausage outta sea birds took a Tern for the wurst.
Also can we pray for the curry chef. Apparently he hit his head and slipped into Korma…
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I’m glad you liked it 
The other day, there was an accident at a factory here in my home town, there was a lady that backed into an industrial cooling fan.
Disaster…
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There was a fire at a cheese factory in France. By the time the fire was put out, all that was left was de brie.
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If you’re American in the kitchen, then what are you in the bathroom?
European!
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What do you call a cow with three legs? …lean beef
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What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
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ARRRRGGGHHHH
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What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
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