Note to moderators: If you’re considering moving this, don’t bother. Just delete it. Thanks.
Pondering my place.
Typical mid-life crisis stuff, but this is a bit more complex. Since my mid-life crisis seems to involve skill toys, this keeps things on topic. I’ll also leave out a load of interesting details.
In a relatively short time, I went from some “middle aged guy who don’t know squat” to a ForumXpert in 6 months. Wow! What can I say, when I enjoy something I want to learn what I can and then share my knowledge back out. This is why and how I got to where I am. This willingness to help comes from within, naturally. It helps when you don’t have to force or fake things.
In the past 2 years, I’ve amassed an increasing yoyo collection that numbers over 250, which includes models for 1A, 2A, 4A and 5A, as well as duplicates to do 3A with if so desired. I’ve gotten into spin tops. I am trying to learn to 3-ball cascade juggle. I got some gyroscopes. I have a couple of kendamas. I even got some foot bags and a set of astrojax.
This leads me to wondering about things. Before I went down this whole skill toy route, while I am well known in a very elite circle, even so, it’s a circle of people who are “behind the scenes” individuals who don’t seek the spotlight, but do ensure their clients merit that spotlight every single night without fail. I’m generally segregated from the crowd via barriers, which is critical for not only my safety, but the safety of the crowd as well. Every once in a while I get compliments from the audience for the job I did, but in all honestly, it’s the stuff coming from the stage being good, I just make it louder and stay out of their way as much as possible, enhancing where applicable. While I appreciate the “attaboys”, I know that if I don’t have good source coming from the stage, mixing the FOH mix is impossible. You want the honest to goodness truth? It’s them, not me!
(In case you aren’t aware, my previous and ongoing life is as a mix engineer specializing in the main mix(FOH: Front of House) for concerts. However, I also do loads of IT work, which is what pays the bills as I dropped out of touring with A-list talent)
I work with the rich and famous. A-listers. Hollywood types. Big names, people you’ve heard of. Names who can rake in a million a night. Names that appear on the big screen and/or names who may not appear on the same big screen but are directly responsible for what goes on said big screen. I still work with these types, just not as often. Why? Mostly because simply put I don’t want to be gone for 8-24 months, not knowing or caring what city I am in, just hoping for a decent meal, clean bathroom, a hot shower and maybe a clean bed to sleep in.
Enter me into this skill toy community. From nothing to name in 6 months, and almost 3 months later being in a position and location where people are looking for me. Odd for me. Very odd. 2 months later, another similar situation. Again odd. I’m a sound guy, not a DJ, but either way, I am not used to attention being intentionally being aimed in my direction.
As a player, I’m not good. At most events I am going to, I don’t throw, because there’s no time for me to throw, so people can’t fully understand how “not good” I am. I don’t mind not being great. I’m pleased with all my modest progress.
I’m not saying I don’t want to meet more people. It’s just I’m not used to people looking to meet me. It’s an unusual position for me to be in. However, why the heck I have yoyo players around the globe making friend requests on my Facebook account just blows my mind. I rarely send out any friend requests.
I even run a yoyo meet group. Apparently I have leadership skills of some sorts. I took a Facebook group from nothing to 70+ members in 3 months, with most of them showing up in the last 6 weeks. I’ve managed to unite kendama and yoyo in my region, as well as earned tremendous respect by being non-competitive with two other local stores that hold activities to ensure people do not miss out on events.
Strange things do happen. I’ve even been offered a sponsorship. I have declined. I have decided I don’t want to be a sponsored player. I like being a complete free agent with no ties or obligations other than “get what I want, play what I want and talk about what I want”.
So, as I leave YYE for another 2 weeks, I am going to be wondering what my position is within this community. I wonder what people find interesting about me? I wonder how exactly I got here. I wonder what people expect of me. I have also disabled my Facebook account, which I may simply be abandoning.
Why? Why am I wasting time on such perhaps non-productive energies? I’m not sure. I’m sure it’s tied to depression. It could also be because I’m in bad health right now due to yet another round of what appears to be food poisoning and on the edge of having to take trip that serves me no purpose other than to take 2 weeks of my life(and $10K of my money and setting my live sound business back 2 years) and flush it down the toilet.
While I am stuck in Vietnam(assuming I am healthy enough to go, which the reality is I won’t be but I will be dragged over anyways and get sicker, I’ll probably have to get medically evacuated to Singapore), I will literally have nothing other than skill toys to occupy my time. I don’t speak the language. I will have no say or input in to where I go, what I see, what I do and what I eat. I have put in a request to a yoyo retailer as a visit, as well as a few historic sites, but the odds are that these requests will be denied.
(Update while I’ve been working on this off-line: I’ve been told to not travel. The chances of this going bad fast are very likely in my condition)
One thing that does concern me right now is that in the past few days, I’ve had no interesting in any skill toys. I know this is mostly due to the fact that I just feel like garbage at the moment(see the food poisoning statement). While I know it’s just a passing issue, I kind of feel like just straight up quitting. I know once my body recovers, I’ll probably get back to how things were before though. However, I have a history of long recoveries because I’m never given the chance to get well.
In the meantime, the darkness has overtaken. I am not looking forward to where this is going. I’ll be in a foreign land, full of intestinal pain with no chance of a smooth recovery and pooping by brains out every 30 minutes, wasting away into nothing until I’m past a point of salvation. This is my lot on life. And yet, somehow this will be my fault.
At the same time, I’m being punished for being sick. I didn’t ask to get food poisoned. However, I know I will continue to get it and worse in Vietnam, and so I know my chances of recovery are nearly non-existant. I clearly understand my place in this scenario: disrespected and non-valued. I seriously don’t anticipate surviving this useless, non-productive and completely unmerited trip that serves no function, need or purpose.
I hope I fare better in the skill toy community. At the same time, I don’t want too much cred either.
I just hope I get back alive.
Like any relationship, it feels miserable when you realize “I don’t want to see you every day anymore. In fact, I actively don’t want to see you sometimes!” You’d rather just end it than feel like you’re betraying it or not giving it what it deserves.