Thoughts On Paul Ash's Death, and my story

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I’ve been really inactive on the forums, and the day I get back, I read that Sniffy-yo has taken his own life. I have been contemplating whether to post this or not for quite a while, and I think I need to get all of this out, even if I don’t know any of you personally.

Before I actually start, I would like to apologize for any rules I may have broken during this post. I haven’t been on the forums since the thread about Paul has been posted. Since I am unable to find it, I assume the admins/moderators have deleted it out of respect.

Moving on, Paul’s death is very unfortunate as is any suicide. My prayers go out to his family and friends. The topic of suicide caught my attention, as I can relate.
My life has been a mess lately; the usual teenage boy problems. Girl troubles, bad grades, and the list goes on. I’ve been in Paul’s position before his death. I felt helpless, like no one was there for me. I didn’t necessarily consider suicide, I was just thinking about ‘what if…’ if that makes any sense to you. Every single person I know thinks of me as a happy-go-lucky kid, without a worry in the world. And for some reason, I never told anyone how I felt.
And boy, was I stupid. Looking back on it, was I really that depressed about a girl? Especially at FOURTEEN.
Suicide is a serious thing. I mean, I have my whole life ahead of me, and I let a few bad grades stand in my way?
My life has been turned upside down, lately. Hiding behind a computer screen from my real life ‘problems.’ I’m still very stressed about my grades, but I knew suicide would only make things worse for everyone.
Paul’s suicide is a very sensitive subject, as he wasn’t a teenager like I am. I mean, I have my ENTIRE life ahead of me. I have so much to live for. On the other hand, Paul was a lot older than me, and it’s different. The problems adults have are very different than the problems of someone like myself. I am honestly out of words at this point.
I apologize for breaking any rules of I did. I just wanted to tell someone, anyone, my story. Thank you for your time.

A side note: I am past this now. Like I said, I’m still stressed about my grades, but I plan to enjoy the rest of my life to the best of my ability. I realized she isn’t worth it, and that there’s more fish in the sea (or ocean). But women are the least of my problems now.

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Ok, I’m 14, and the problems we go through? They are nothing. At our age, we know that if we mess up, we get another chance. For Paul? He was stuck, cornered by life. He went through so many unfortunate events, life for him seemed like it could only get worse. He had panic attacks lasting for long period of times, and even lost the roof over his head. We don’t appreciate our own life enough. If you let something as small as losing a girlfriend get you down, then you won’t be able to take on what life throws at you. I really wish he was still here, but I respect his decision.

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That is exactly what I thought when I heard the news about Paul. The incident opened my eyes to other perspectives.

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Respect his decision? Maybe accept, but not respect. Suicide is never the answer. His decision wasn’t okay. While I undertsand he was going through a very tough time in his life and that he was mentally ill, he HAD options. While few were easy, he could have at least LIVED. Suicide was the wrong way out of his situation. He talked about having clarity, but suicide isn’t clarity, it is cowardice and stupidity. He could have gotten help.

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True - It solves nothing and hurts those left behind immensely.

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Suicide is the permanent answer to a temporary problem.

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“It takes courage to live and it takes courage to die.” From White Light, Black Rain. Anyone who says it is cowardice has never tried it. The documentary had one sister burnt from the nuclear blast severely and one none at all. The rest of their family was dead. They went to the train tracks to kill themselves. One did, one didn’t. The above quote was her answer to her sisters suicide decades ago. She is right. She lived through horrible disfiguring injuries here whole life. The unhurt one jumped in front of the train and her maimed sister could not. “It takes courage to live and it takes courage to die.”

To say you are hurt by someone else’s suicide is selfishness and a victim mentality. You don’t get to control or own other peoples lives, so you shouldn’t allow others to dictate how you feel, you should. As Gandhi said, “No one can hurt me without my permission.” Or, “When we allow ourselves to be victims, we are letting the people and circumstances in our lives dictate how we will feel, and ultimately, who we will be. Nobody – no matter how hard they try – can ever make someone else feel something that they don’t want to feel.” Dr. Nevitt

Suicide is the answer to 100’s every day in the US, 10 are children, 18 are veterans on average, every day. That’s the facts. Also, it is perfectly OK, it is reality, it happened. Your condemnation of it changes nothing, solves nothing. “Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.” -C. Jung

Suicide is in the top ten killers in the US per the CDC, #10 actually. There were 11,078 firearm homicides in 2010 compared to 38,364 suicides and its about the same today yet it receives no attention. This is a real subject that can’t be solved by telling people what to think and feel. They’re tired of people bullying them by doing that. It is a subject most avoid but deserves an open mind and compassion. Work a suicide hotline and you will quickly find that telling them the way they feel is ‘stupid’, ‘cowardly’, and ‘wrong’ doesn’t help a bit. But just listening and understanding that their feelings are real whether you agree with them or not, might actually help.

Suicide solves the most important thing to those in the grips of it, the pain of living. Suicide is a birthright of consciousness. To say no one is allowed to feel that much pain because you don’t like it, really doesn’t make any difference. Their pain is still there. You should not let death be your master and such things won’t bother you so much. Clearly most think death is some horrible and bad thing, but that is pure ignorance which has created a lot of fear and pain. You should let love be your master and you would see there isn’t a difference between life and death, they are the same movement.

“Calculating people are contemptible. The reason for this is that calculation deals with loss and gain, and the loss and gain mind never stops. Death is considered loss and life is considered gain. Thus, death is something that such a person does not care for, and he is contemptible.”

  • Hagakure, Way of the Samurai
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