Talk to a mental health professional.
You have to deal with the situation fully. The biggest issue is you don’t have closure. You have action, you have counter-action. You’re not given justification for why they are doing what they are doing, other than they feel it’s justified, you agree it’s justified, but you want to understand THEM so you don’t do this again.
You’re not gonna get it, so you need someone else to fill in the blanks and create a method for you to find closure.
In the meantime, you need to engage in activities where you don’t have time to dwell on it. Am idle mind seems to like to stay in places you don’t want it. You’re also going to need to confront the issue by talking about it to someone.
My mother in law liked to exist in a place of anger 30+ years ago because it let her “take out her anger from crap back then” on her husband, combined with new stuff her husband did as a way of doing a beat-down. The end result? My father in law decided to end his life and did so by playing in traffic on the freeway and getting nailed by a tractor-trailer.
My mother feeds on making other people miserable, as it is her method of power playing. I haven’t had any contact with her for 7 years, nor do I intend to going forward because she’s poison to me and my wife and kids. I wonder how much of this played a factor in the circumstances surrounding my father’s death? Was it a massive heart attack via years of smoking and high blood pressure? Was it a heart attack caused my an accidental drug combination? Was it an accidental suicide?
Shall I go on about my wife? One such example? She crabs at me for not getting her text at like 11:30PM about some stupid thing. I told her I had my phone set to “private time” and that’s why I didn’t respond to her text. The next day, she manages to find a way to use “private time” on the phone as some sort of weapon against me. She’s decided to unfriend me on Facebook(like I give a crap), and since I didn’t notice, she made darn sure to shove that up in my face because she’s invented something else to get angry about. That was last night’s fabricated issue.
Oh, should I put in that her family owes me well over $100K in hard cash and they have no intention of paying me back? This caused me to lose a productive and lucrative business, but when you have to deal with liars, this is what you have to expect.
Oh, did I mention my wife let my mother in law pawn some of my wife’s jewelry, which I specifically said “no” to?
My wife and I decided for me to have a procedure done. Now, she’s using that same decision WE BOTH MADE to drive a wedge between us because now apparently I can go out and have affairs and “not get caught”. Where the heck is this crap coming from?
I’m kept in an environment where I am constantly under attack and kept down, beaten and depressed. Being clinically diagnosed with depression doesn’t help much either. I’ve found talking to doctors doesn’t help because they don’t have the capacity to comprehend what I must deal with on a daily basis. They just want to prescribe “happy pills” and flood my brain with chemicals so I won’t give a crap anymore. However, that’s not dealing with the issue.
Until you directly confront the thing you did and get some sort of resolve and/or real closure, you have two choices:
Make an effort to just move on. The past is the past, dump it in the past, compartmentalize it, purge it and move forward.
Dwell on it and don’t move forward. Oh wait, that’s what you’re doing now.
You could try changing schools, but this might not be practical, and it may not be an option you’re allowed to explore. A change of scenery gives you a chance to start fresh and remove yourself from the reminders of “the incident”, however, you STILL must deal with that situation, it will just be easier as you don’t have to exist in the environment where it may have occurred.
You might also be at that emo age known as “the teenage years”, where people routinely blow crap out of proportion because their brain is confused by hormones. Small things become big things. Big things become giant things. Peer pressure, misguided priorities, erroneous values, image garbage, it’s a lot to handle. You spend these years in a fog of “stupidity” on everything outside your studies if you’re doing it right. Then you get out of high school, reflect, figure out who the heck you are, then get shoved in to College and try to find your own way.
However, without knowing more, I can’t help more. Not to sound cruel or cold, but I have enough of my own problems and issues with depression and I don’t want to take more load upon myself, so honestly, I don’t want to know.
For me, my escape is my job: doing professional sound. Or skill toys. Slowly but surely, they are finding ways to take these away too. However, they have failed. They will continue to fail. So, they attack me via different angles. I wonder how much longer I can take it. What I worry about is when I finally snap, will this be local headlines or get national attention as a grotesque term for “simian fecal material” is used to describe the rampage actions of a “California Man”. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to this.
Sorry, this is about you, not me. But if you understand SOME Of my issues, then you can see how you can use it to deal with some of your issues. Until you really deal with your issues, this isn’t going to change. Your issues will go away and resolve itself with help. I’m LIVING in my world of issues, and when my issues are resolved, more issues are imported.
Getting the help you need is a great feeling, it will make a big difference.