I really need some help.


(UmeNagisa) #1

Hey Guys.
So Since you guys all seem to be very understanding, and quite helpful.
I’d like to ask you guys something.

I’ve done something I’m really not proud of (Keep in mind this was almost 2 years ago)
And It ruined my friendship with my best friend, and a pretty large group of my friends.
I tried to talk to them many times
Apologize
Everything i can.
And well, I pretty much Understand that they don’t hate me
They’re done with me.
I accept that. and have no intention of trying to win them back.
I Don’t deserve to.

Ever since, I’ve been in Chronic depression, and have some serious mood swings
and my Heart literally feels like it stops, or like I pull a muscle in my chest.
I Can’t deal with this stress anymore

The depression and mood swings/ heart/chest issues comeback when i see something that reminds me of these people I Shared such a great time of my life with
Like Places, food, activities etc.
And i just need to know.
How do I cope with such Haunting memories?
I seriously can’t Internalize my pains anymore.
Even in my yoyo videos. You can see the dead look on my face.
I just need to find a way to cope with this
Or I’m going to go insane.


#2

Try talking to them, I mean the past is past we will have to move on someday


(UmeNagisa) #3

I’ve tried at tried.
Like I said.
Theyre not mad, they don’t hate me.
They’re done with me


#4

Chronic depression is definitely something you should see a counselor about. There’s no shame in it, I see a counselor myself :slight_smile: Getting the help you need is a great feeling, it will make a big difference.


#5

Talk to a mental health professional.

You have to deal with the situation fully. The biggest issue is you don’t have closure. You have action, you have counter-action. You’re not given justification for why they are doing what they are doing, other than they feel it’s justified, you agree it’s justified, but you want to understand THEM so you don’t do this again.

You’re not gonna get it, so you need someone else to fill in the blanks and create a method for you to find closure.

In the meantime, you need to engage in activities where you don’t have time to dwell on it. Am idle mind seems to like to stay in places you don’t want it. You’re also going to need to confront the issue by talking about it to someone.

My mother in law liked to exist in a place of anger 30+ years ago because it let her “take out her anger from crap back then” on her husband, combined with new stuff her husband did as a way of doing a beat-down. The end result? My father in law decided to end his life and did so by playing in traffic on the freeway and getting nailed by a tractor-trailer.

My mother feeds on making other people miserable, as it is her method of power playing. I haven’t had any contact with her for 7 years, nor do I intend to going forward because she’s poison to me and my wife and kids. I wonder how much of this played a factor in the circumstances surrounding my father’s death? Was it a massive heart attack via years of smoking and high blood pressure? Was it a heart attack caused my an accidental drug combination? Was it an accidental suicide?

Shall I go on about my wife? One such example? She crabs at me for not getting her text at like 11:30PM about some stupid thing. I told her I had my phone set to “private time” and that’s why I didn’t respond to her text. The next day, she manages to find a way to use “private time” on the phone as some sort of weapon against me. She’s decided to unfriend me on Facebook(like I give a crap), and since I didn’t notice, she made darn sure to shove that up in my face because she’s invented something else to get angry about. That was last night’s fabricated issue.

Oh, should I put in that her family owes me well over $100K in hard cash and they have no intention of paying me back? This caused me to lose a productive and lucrative business, but when you have to deal with liars, this is what you have to expect.

Oh, did I mention my wife let my mother in law pawn some of my wife’s jewelry, which I specifically said “no” to?

My wife and I decided for me to have a procedure done. Now, she’s using that same decision WE BOTH MADE to drive a wedge between us because now apparently I can go out and have affairs and “not get caught”. Where the heck is this crap coming from?

I’m kept in an environment where I am constantly under attack and kept down, beaten and depressed. Being clinically diagnosed with depression doesn’t help much either. I’ve found talking to doctors doesn’t help because they don’t have the capacity to comprehend what I must deal with on a daily basis. They just want to prescribe “happy pills” and flood my brain with chemicals so I won’t give a crap anymore. However, that’s not dealing with the issue.

Until you directly confront the thing you did and get some sort of resolve and/or real closure, you have two choices:
Make an effort to just move on. The past is the past, dump it in the past, compartmentalize it, purge it and move forward.
Dwell on it and don’t move forward. Oh wait, that’s what you’re doing now.

You could try changing schools, but this might not be practical, and it may not be an option you’re allowed to explore. A change of scenery gives you a chance to start fresh and remove yourself from the reminders of “the incident”, however, you STILL must deal with that situation, it will just be easier as you don’t have to exist in the environment where it may have occurred.

You might also be at that emo age known as “the teenage years”, where people routinely blow crap out of proportion because their brain is confused by hormones. Small things become big things. Big things become giant things. Peer pressure, misguided priorities, erroneous values, image garbage, it’s a lot to handle. You spend these years in a fog of “stupidity” on everything outside your studies if you’re doing it right. Then you get out of high school, reflect, figure out who the heck you are, then get shoved in to College and try to find your own way.

However, without knowing more, I can’t help more. Not to sound cruel or cold, but I have enough of my own problems and issues with depression and I don’t want to take more load upon myself, so honestly, I don’t want to know.

For me, my escape is my job: doing professional sound. Or skill toys. Slowly but surely, they are finding ways to take these away too. However, they have failed. They will continue to fail. So, they attack me via different angles. I wonder how much longer I can take it. What I worry about is when I finally snap, will this be local headlines or get national attention as a grotesque term for “simian fecal material” is used to describe the rampage actions of a “California Man”. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to this.

Sorry, this is about you, not me. But if you understand SOME Of my issues, then you can see how you can use it to deal with some of your issues. Until you really deal with your issues, this isn’t going to change. Your issues will go away and resolve itself with help. I’m LIVING in my world of issues, and when my issues are resolved, more issues are imported.


#6

I do not mean this in a harsh way at all: You’re not the first person who messed up. We’ve all done it. You’re not the first person who has lost love and friendship due to their own mistakes. Most of us have done that, too.

I just want you to know that some of us have the tendency to carry our shame around instead of forgiving ourselves. Lord knows I do this all the time. But we’re only human. You’re human. Nobody got through life without making mistakes or hurting people.

If they’re “done with you”, the best thing you can do is forgive yourself and simply learn from your mistake. Whether they know it or not, you will honor them by simply not repeating that mistake again. Everything is a learning experience, and as long as you learn from this, own the mistake and recognize that you will make the right decision next time, you have to forgive yourself.

The hardest thing to recognize is that either by good fortune or by bad mistakes, when we change our lives in a significant way, we are not ending anything, we are taking a different turn. You can’t yearn for what “should be”; you have to boldly go in the new direction that has been laid down in front of you.

Please, allow yourself to go from “I’m an idiot” and staying stuck in that self-assessment to “I was an idiot, but I’ll do better next time.”

As suggested, mental health professionals will be able to help you reach this stage. It’s tough to do it alone.


(WildCat23) #7

Are there other people that you can get along with and share common interests with? Also, try to stay out of the “Popular” crowd. It’s ok to have friends that are popular, its just that a lot of them are very egoistic and narcissistic, and are more trouble than they’re worth. Since they’re popular, they also wont care as much what happens to your friendship, because they have plenty of other so-called “Friends.”

@Studio42: Wow, I had no idea things were that bad.


(⛷ Noisy Lurker) #8
  1. Talk to your parents.
  2. Talk to your school counselor.
  3. Learn from the past don’t dwell on it.
  4. Plan for future but
  5. Enjoy the moment
  6. Teachers can be helpful

There are many sources for support, friends, family, and proffessionals. These groups won’t know you need support unless you let them know. Sometimes people don’t recognize that someone is asking for support. Ask and ask and talk and talk about it until someone understands.


(UmeNagisa) #9

@Studio
Thank You so much for your personal, and in detail comment
It gave a me sense of what i did.
And It Gave me a sense of how people can be
just Harsh and unreasonable.
Very sadistic, and cruel.

Also, Be that as it may, I may be going through the “emo”
stage, so to speak.
But Thats not the root of my issue.

And I have tackled it full on.
1 year ago.
They told me how they weren’t mad etc.
And I seem to just be unable to let go of these traumas.
I feel like i may have a metal disorder.
Its too bad, My parents dont have the means to take me
as my dad works 12 hours a day
And disapproves of near everything i do, as If i am the bane of his life.
and My Stepmom doesn’t drive.

Again. I Seriously Thank you so much for your insight.
And I have to say. I Was Rather shocked, that you posted so much of your personal life on here
It takes real guts to do so.
ANd Thank you Again for that
@Greg
I do realize I’m not the only screw up.
But Everyone says
“Let it go, move on” etc.
Its really not that simple.
The issue (Which i really really can’t say what it its. I’m so sorry…)
Is rather complicated
and I really hold it to heart
I mean, yes i do think the “I was an idiot, but I’ll do better next time.”
Is the right way to look upon things
And my Problem is.
How to forget? How do i let go?
I just can’t seem to get over myself.
As i said in the above,
There must be something going on
With me metally


#10

It’s not easy, that’s for sure. I was just remarking to myself the other day how I’m still holding on to some of my shames from all stages of my life. The ones that I never fully “let go” got a bit fuzzier around the edges over time.

I have other stories and anecdotes, but as you already suspect, so much of what can be said is “easier said than done” and will ring hollow. Seeing somebody (does your school at least have guidance counsellors if you don’t have the opportunity to see a therapist?) will help. Time will help. New experiences and new triumphs will help.


(UmeNagisa) #11

well. I Live in a pretty darn bad neighborhood.
Like. Really bad.
I’ve tried to talk to these helper people.
They did nothing at all.
I wish i had a place to go to talk to peope about my issue


#12

Even if you don’t want to, moving on and forgiving yourself is the best move. I know it sounds cheesy, but that’s one of the best things you can do for yourself mentally. It seems your friends have already forgiven you. Try talking to them again, if they are really your friends, then after 2 years, they might give you a second chance. If not, find some new friends, maybe they were t the right people in the first place if they ignore what you have to say. Join a sport or other activity at school. I met a lot of new people from football and track and field. Don’t turn away anyone who wants to be friends with you, you may find one in the strangest of places. Being lonely at this age or any makes life very hard to live. And if you just can’t forget, find something else to do that will take your mind off the issue, even if it’s only for a short amount of time. We all make mistakes, we just have to learn from them and become better. And if you don’t mind me asking, what exactly did you do? My best friend would forgive me no matter how badly I mess up.


(Waylon) #13

Accept what is, and not focus on what should be. Recognize that everything is temporary. Treat the world with love and kindness. I promise it will come back to you.


#14

I don’t mean to sound rude, but I
can’t
take
you seriously
when you
write
like
this.

My suggestion for your issue would be to drown it out with another, new activity.


(UmeNagisa) #15

Sorry about that, it’s a slight force of habit. I have no idea why I do it.
I just do.

And well I have a lot of activities in my life

Yoyo, diabolo, origami, Metal vocals, origami, Kirigami, and more.
I’ve been trying to find things to drown this out.

They do take me away, to lala land per say, for a just a while.
It’s a great thing.
Thanks

@Yoyospirit
I really can’t tell you what it is.
Or pretty much anyone
I mean, it effected so many people
And that’s what retaliated back on me, I guess. I do have a few other friends, but they weren’t involved in this situation.


#16

try making new friends and relate those things that brought back your memories and relate them to something else or your new friends so you can be at least in a better mood. Also I find when your around happy people that are usually that science proves that you will be in a better mood. Also even if you apologized to them that probably there having similar problems getting over that incident as well. Also even if you don’t want to hear this and if your that depressed your parents or yourself probably need to take you to a psychologist which helps you vent out your feelings and make you get it over quicker. Also if you have problems making friends remember this one phrase " you don’t have to lonely when your alone" independence is a good thing never bad. Now if you do your other hobbies an take your mind away do that but I it doesn’t always work sometimes you just need to vent it out. But from what I’m hearing this must have bin pretty bad if your having trouble getting over it so just try to change your mind. Now also this could be a good thing for you because now you will probably find what you really enjoy not what other people want you to enjoy.