I hear every one of you. With a hopeful future becoming more and more elusive… it’s very difficult to keep driving into the wind.
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Been a little over a year since my aunt passed and I am still raw about it. She signed her rights over to me and I had to make the decision to start the end of life process. She never told me what she wanted and by the time I was notified of her choice in medical advocate she was incoherent. I wonder every day if I made the right choices for her. I just don’t want to feel this anymore
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Have you looked at
This is a startup we fund with a good friend CeCe, and the idea is to make human-centered online therapy a lot more accessible to a lot more folks. I’d love to hear anyone’s experiences with it.
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that really sucks and im sorry to hear that. that goes for all of you going through heavy stuff rn. specifically, Troy, i think the fact that you are wrestling with this means you aren’t a terrible person. having said that i think that means you almost certainly made the best decisions you could in an incredibly difficult situation and that’s really all any of us can ask of one another
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The underlying facts as you presented them are so: you were basically thrown into an incredibly difficult situation without any foreknowledge or a way to prepare. That alone is traumatic and will leave scars on anyone. It’s obvious your aunt trusted you to make the right choices because you are the one she thought of to be in that position.
As someone who has faced some very difficult health situations lately, I can say that I’m certain your aunt was also facing difficult circumstances. When you are faced with situations like this… in a hospital… you have doctors and advocates and advisors coming at you on top the trauma of the needles and tubes and cords… but those people are coming at you very bluntly telling you what your future is and putting on the spot to prepare for it. It is very overwhelming and I’m sure her head was spinning. This of course is assuming she wasn’t hindered in some way by medication. All this to say that she might not have had time to prepare for this either. I don’t know specifics but end of life situations are rarely smooth and easy.
My family faced a difficult situation when my grandmother was approaching her end. She had Alzheimer’s and got to the point where the doctors told us they could put a feeding tube in because she wasn’t aware enough to eat. But if they put the feeding tube in, her mind was so far gone that her stomach wouldn’t digest the food. So on and so forth it was basically… we can can keep her body alive but she is no longer there, nor will she ever come back. Tough decisions had to be made. It can really weigh on you once all the dust settles and you have time to think it all over.
It sounds to me like your aunt trusted you and you did the best you could. Just make sure you weigh that in heavily when you feel weighed down with the negative.
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Thank you for sharing and for a better perspective on this. I really appreciate it. The whole experience has really left me without words. Her face and how quickly things devolved is just burned into my mind’s eye. This has been the most I have talked about it and it feels like it just happened. It’s honestly what drove me to make an account on this forum and try to interact instead of just clam up. I have been hoping the dust will settle and I can just get a grip. I just find myself worrying another family member or friend is going to die and I will have to figure out how to handle it all again(irrational i guess). Having to clean out her house was even more devistating. I couldn’t get all her belongings. To watch an entire life of things get dispursed,all these emotions come up. I see my meager collection of stuff and think, wonder who will have all this when I go? What is the point when it all eventually ends up scavenged or in the trash? In the end she trusted me and I tried my best to honor that. This is something that I try to hold on to. But it just hurts and the reruns of thinking could I have done better? Were there options I wasn’t aware of? The hypotheticals blind side me and just wish that I could rest confidently knowing the choices I made were the best for her. Thank you all for talking to me about this and for sharing your perspectives
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Thank you. I never thought about it like that
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The last time you were caught unaware so this time you make sure you are prepared well in advance. You gather the family all together and announce to them that this was all too much for you and that you would very much appreciate it if no one else ever felt compelled to put you in that position again. You can tell them that you know how great you are and all… but surely there must be someone else… Then serve them a nice meal and move on.
What you can rest knowing is that the choices you made are the choices you made. I can assure you that you will play those hypotheticals out for the rest of your days, they will come less and less frequently with time though. All of this is part of the grieving process, trying to figure out how we deal with all of it and move on from there. Like @Splizacular said… if it didn’t weigh on you then that could indicate a lack of humanity. Somewhat jokey somewhat true. Anyways… just being able to talk to a listening ear and knowing someone else understands can help a lot. Hang in there.
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It’s so awesome how you are helping to make resources like this available as well letting people know. 
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I’ll note my mental health has waned over the last few months. Can’t pin it on any one thing but depression is a thing and it just is what it is. I’m fine I can’t describe what has had me in the dumps but itll be fine.
Today I was layed off from my job at leidos after 4 years of cybersecurity engineering . Kind of expected something as the stock value halved in the last 6 months but not an RIF right off the bat. Either way I’m looking for work. Kind of still in shock but I’ll be okay and land on my feet.
Good news va states is not impacted by any of this. I intentionally built dmv throwers to have accounts separate from mine and operate as its own entity outside of me so contest is good and I have found allot more time in unemployment to finish the registration page.
so yeah ramblings into the void on my own little personal thread here. How’s everyone else mental health this month. Feel free to vent about your nothings into this void with me.
Unrelated this raven has been a bright part of this month
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I really truly feel for you brother. In the end we are all pretty powerless against the machine that is modern society. I hear you saying you’ll be ok. Just keep leaning in that direction, do everything you can to not lean into the depression. Pay close attention to yourself because our hearts are masters at deceiving us. You and your family are in my prayers. I wish I could do more. 
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P.S. That is a nice Raven.
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Also I guess Brandon Rogers - Leidos | LinkedIn if anyone wants to connect on working stuffs
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I can totally understand the strain you feel. I haven’t worked for years and I’ve been trying to get approved for disability but it’s not looking good. I’m now at the point where if there is nothing to go on for a civil case, I’m dead in the water. I had a cardiac arrest in 2016. This is where the brain damage originated. It has progressed and the neurologist has even said he feels I’ve had strokes in the time since then as well. But at first I didn’t have the MRI and all the VA was doing is giving me an Alzheimer’s test. Which I passed. Finally I got the referral to Neurology and an MRI but by then even though my case was still open, it didn’t matter because all the judge saw was that my eligibility for disability ran out in 2024 (because I hadn’t worked in so long because if you work it instantly negates your claim). So if f the lawyers who are reviewing the info for a civil case don’t find anything to go on then my claim is dead. And the only way to file another claim with the words “stroke” and “brain damage” in it… I have to go to work long enough to be eligible again. Oh and also be out of work for a year after that because the rules say it has to have kept you from working for a year. The problem??? I have chronic heart failure and brain damage. I have nothing to offer an employer. Raw!!! That’s how it makes me feel. Raw!!!
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It sounds like you’re being too hard on yourself!
I can’t imagine how I would deal with debilitating injuries…
I want to share a piece of wisome from my old sponsor. Paraphrased quote: “when you’re feeling down and like nothing matters or you don’t matter, go help someone. Anyone with anything. You’ll feel better, guaranteed.”
Have you looked into base level IT support?
Many places let you work from home, and you basically just remind people to plug stuff in, restart, or just escalte them.
Don’t count yourself out!
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I love you all. I have no answers. * but if i was God, i’d tell you this:
A gypsy wind is blowin’ warm tonight
The sky is starlit and the time is right
And still you’re tellin’ me you have to go
Before you leave, there’s something you should know
Yeah, something you should know, buddy
I’ve seen you smilin’ in the summer sun
I’ve seen your long hair flying when you run
I’ve made my mind up that it’s meant to be
Someday, buddy, you’ll accomp’ny me
Someday, buddy, you’ll accomp’ny me
Out where the rivers meet the soundin’ sea
You’re high above me now; you’re wild and free
Ah, but someday, buddy, you’ll accomp’ny me
Someday, buddy, you’ll accomp’ny me, yeah
Ooh
Some people say that love’s a losin’ game
You start with fire, but you lose the flame
The ashes smolder, but the warmth’s soon gone
You end up cold and lonely on your own
I’ll take my chances, buddy, I’ll risk it all
I’ll win your love or I’ll take the fall
I’ve made my mind up, buddy, it’s meant to be
Someday, buddy, you’ll accomp’ny me
Someday, buddy, you’ll accomp’ny me
It’s written down somewhere, it’s got to be
You’re high above me flyin’ wild and free
Oh, but someday, buddy, you’ll accomp’ny me
Someday, buddy, you’ll accomp’ny me
Someday, buddy, you’ll accomp’ny me
Out where the rivers meet the sounding sea
I feel it in my soul, it’s meant to be
Oh, someday, buddy, you’ll accomp’ny me
Someday, buddy, you’ll accomp’ny me
You will accompany me (Ooh, hoo) yeah
(Ooh, hoo, you’ll accomp’ny me)
I know you will (Ooh, hoo) accomp’ny me
Uh (Ooh, hoo, you’ll accomp’ny me)
Someday, buddy (Ooh, hoo), oh, someday buddy
(Ooh, hoo, you’ll accomp’ny me)
You’re gonna (Ooh, hoo) accomp’ny me now
You’re gonna (Ooh, hoo) walk with me and talk with me now (you’ll accomp’ny me)
Yeah (Ooh, ooh)
(Ooh, hoo, you’ll accomp’ny me)
(Ooh, hoo) Yeah
(Ooh, hoo), Oh (you’ll accomp’ny me)
You’ll accomp’ny me (Ooh, hoo)
You’re gonna (Ooh, hoo) accomp’ny me, yeah
(You’ll accomp’ny me)
Someday
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Hit a new milestone recently. 4 years video game free.
Damn if I still don’t think about playing every single day.
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I’m going back to university (East Asian Studies) at age 34, after finally getting a 2 year degree. I’m scared af, because I burned out and stopped showing up the last time, 2011. My anxiety and everything is already starting to kick in again. I’m only taking two classes, but one is Japanese 301 and I haven’t practiced my speaking too much in the last two years since 202.
Just like last time, I don’t have a career path, I just want to study what I want to study, and try to help people. The political and societal situation in the US feels really hopeless, so that doesn’t help. I’m trying to keep on keeping on, for now. I want to try to get involved in volunteer work and stuff in my community, but it’s hard to find energy just to go to work and study sometimes.
Many have it worse than me. I hope you all find some small comforts and victories, at least. You’re stronger than you know.
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