Can I get some opinions on this story?


#1

Hey Guys, I’m writing a detective story for my own leisure. This issue is, I need some people to read it. Can anyone give this story a try and give me honest opinions and criticism? I’m not looking for compliments, I’m looking for actual flaws and strengths in this story. I want to know what to improve on before moving on. Without further ado, this is Chapter 1 Part 1:

The Case Files of Allen Albert Arthur Chapter 1 Part 1

The Case Files of Allen Albert Arthur Chapter 1 part 2


(Sensei Dave) #2

I think you have the beginnings of a good story here, but I strongly reccomend that you research your police proceedure here. Some of your story points don’t add up. The private investigator and guardian character would never let a high school student, especially one he was legal guardian to, touch any evidence at all- forget let him carry it himself. That corrupts the validity of the evidence and it can no longer be considered. That’s just one example, I reccomend you get a detective work for dummies book or something like that.

I like the dynamic between the characters, flesh it out. Establish who the characters are more solidly in the beginning so we really relate and become invested in them. Make mention that her father is CIA before the crime takes place. Have the characters playfully banter more. The more we know about how they react to eachother makes them more real to us. Tell us more about the relationship between Mr. ISLE and the main character.

I like the idea of the PDA. I like that he can revisit things digitally landing a familiar format.

Get familiar with things like Gun Shot Residue (GSR), shot trajectory, blood spatter patterns, etc. Crime Scene stuff. Check spelling and sentences … there were a couple incomplete ones in there.

Seriously though, keep going. Think of this as a first draft and keep going. I like where your head is at with this story just cross your “T’s” and dot your "i’s ". It was smart of you to ask for critisim because that’s how you grow. It reads like a good anime script to me. I look forward to where it goes from here! Please keep posting updates!


#3

Yes this is good. But do you want like a desriptive written story with hyperbole, onamatopoeia and etc. But that besides the point it was a very good story. Now how long do you intend to make it? I am in seventh grade so my opinion isn’t much anyways.


#4

Thanks for taking the time to type that up! I had trouble with the police protocol thing but thanks to you it’ll be changed to where he can’t handle evidence unless of course given permission by the head police or if he has his detective’s badge (license?). I guess he can just record everything in his PDA until he has the right to tough the stuff.

The main question I have is that will having apprenticeship under Mr. Ise as well as letting him be his legal guardian give him right to handle evidence? In this place, Apprenticeship is a big thing that will affect the story greatly.

Anyhoo, I made some revisions and would like criticism from other sources as well as updated criticism I have now. This thread will be updated as coming chapters appear.


#5

Bump!

Update, part 2 is up! For those of you who are new to this, read the OP!


#6

First off it feels like I’m reading pheonix wright. Another thing I noticed was both the police man and the grounds keeper used ya in their dialogue. It’s just better to keep slang and other idiosyncracies like this individual to each character.


#7

The phoenix wright feeling should be natural. The idea for this story came up when I was playing phoenix wright back in freshman year. Man that game was awesome.

Thanks for letting me know that, I’m glad there’s some relation. I’ll try to keep it as individual as possible. Later chapters will add whole new elements that are only unique to this fictional world.

Thank you for taking the time to read it though!