Hey ! so in english class (secondary language) we have to do a text about someone you think is cool so i chose jensen kimmit (that or demar derozean/kyle lowry) and i wanted to know if i putted some missinformation (and if there is errors :D)
Jensen Kimmitt is a Canadian yoyoer from Edmonton, best known for his well-choreographed, high-scoring style. He was formerly a member of the Caribou Lodge Yo-Yo Works team but in 2010 he decided to switch to the YoYoFactory contest team for financial reason.Then in 2011 he decided to come back to CLYW to be with his friends. During his career he had 3 different pro model, 2 with CLYW and 1 with YYF the first one was with CLYW it was called the Wooly Marmot and was released in 2009. His second pro model was called the Northstar,based on the protostar but a bit heavyier,a yoyo he used to win many contest,was released in 2010. And then when he came back with CLYW he had a 3rd pro model called the canvas wich was released in 2011.He also winned a lot of title let’s start with 2009:He won 1st place in the 44clash contest, 1st Pacific Northwest Regionals,1st the Bay Area Classic.In 2010 he won alot of contest but the best thing he could ever hope happened,he won the 2010 World YoYo Contest. After that he only placed 8 or 9 there and there to concentrate more on video and other stuff.
Just a little tip. I think you should use the word “many” instead of “alot”. I don’t see any misinformation though. also check and proofread it some more. For a secondary language you’re doing really well so far!
Despite the frequent use, “alot” is not a word. “A lot” is correct, which you also used in your writing, but “many” is generally the better choice. All things considered, you aren’t too far behind some folks who have English as their first language these days.
naoki > non c’est n’importe quoi la moitié du monde dans ma classe ont de la misère a former de simple phrase comme pendant le cour d’anglais y’a quelqu’un qui a dit what i am about to go a la place de are you about to go
yoyoavenger> i don’t think i will add that since i think it has something to do with his girlfriend and tyler severance ? and well the story is pretty long and sad + i had already passed the 200 words limit but i can still try to add it and cut other things
looks good to me but, your grammar and spelling not so much so I revised it for you.
Jensen Kimmitt is a Canadian yoyoer from Edmonton, he is best known for his well-choreographed, high-scoring style. Jensen was formerly a member of the Caribou Lodge Yo-Yo Works (CLYW) team but, in 2010 he decided to switch to the YoYoFactory (YYF) contest team for financial reasons.Then in 2011 he decided to come back to CLYW to be with his friends. During his career he had 3 different pro models, 2 with CLYW and 1 with YYF the first one was with CLYW it was called the Wooly Marmot and it released in 2009. His second pro model was called the Northstar, this Yoyo is based on the Yoyo the protostar but the difference is it’s a heavier yoyo. Jensen used this Yoyo to win many contests. The Northstar was released in 2010. After this Jensen then came back to the CLYW team. Jensen’s 3rd pro model was called the canvas which, was released in 2011. He used this Yoyo to win lots of titles. In 2009 Jensen won 1st place in the 44clash contest, 1st Pacific Northwest Regionals, and 1st in the Bay Area Classic. In 2010 he won plenty of contests but, the best thing he could ever hoped happened,he won the 2010 World YoYo Contest! After that he only placed 8th or 9th place. Then Jensen decided to concentrate more on videos and other stuff.
Alright here’s what I fixed and why
If you are going to use a company’s abbreviation you need it in brackets next to the name.
Also reason is now reasons because you never went into detail why.
also model became models because there is more than 1
“winned” isn’t a word in English we use won if we use past tense
“alot” isn’t a word it’s a lot or allot which have 2 different meanings
Allot- means to share or divide
A lot- means plenty
Never start a sentence with and it will. Automatically make it a sentence fragment.
Heavyier is now heavier you don’t need the y in english a tip is if you see -ier you drop the y.
The ! Is now at the end of the world Yoyo contest because it’s exciting and important.
Also if your going to make a sentence with a list before the last thing on the list you need a ,and_____
Also its now videos instead of video because Jensen made more than 1 video
Also if your going to use any of these words in the middle of a sentence
You need a , after them.
If you have anymore questions lemme know!
EDIT: can someone who speaks french translate this to him? Cause if he has problems with english I think I just made it harder for him to understand…
Also dude your rocking this language if this is a secondary language! If you were in the USA you would be writing at what we call a 2nd or 3rd grade level.