Yoyo Poem (Revised)

(M²) #1

A while back I posted a yoyo poem.
Well, I decided to revise it, and I’d like to know what you guys think.

Just a Yo-yo
Like a man at sea, I cast my bait,
but to catch a quarry of a different state.
It creates something, all of its own,
An undefined place, an unhindered time
An unbroken state, an unhindered rhyme.
Like bolas
It catches a string for only a moment,
then lets it go for no purpose.
Its runs like a dog, but must come back to my hand,
with a flick of my wrist it soon understands.
Like a clock it stops,
and must be winded again.
Then within a second, it spins a thousand years,
slowly relieving the worst of my fears.
Repeating, advancing, progressing the past
A moment in music…
A cascading cadenza, three times as fast
It flows like quicksilver,
so quick yet still smooth.
It has life within it,
and never ceases to move.

(Raphael) #2

I liek. I liked the syllable use (Like the count+the stresses) I also liked the simple flow. But I am not a big fan of using similes in any form of poetry. Nothing against your poem, but I just don’t have a taste for it, I don’t know why. (I’m pretty sure I’m a minority on this) Other than the “Like…” thing I thought it was pretty good. Actually Now that I re-read this, the first line which is a simile I like. The rhyme scheme was decent, nothing special, only the last syllables seemed to rhyme from my understanding.

I loved the line “A Moment in music…” it flowed so well to the line before, and gave vivid imagery that would vary depending on who was reading, and that was subtly done (Which is what I like about it)

I don’t get how some lines rhyme, but some don’t. I’m not sure but you were going aabbccdd then at the very end it seemd abab. But maybe the last lines weren’t supposed to rhyme, because the rest of it was pretty much exact rhymes, but I have now Idea.

I like how every five lines it would slow down. very well done, this can be difficult, but i think you did it well.

I don’t know how much you’re into poetry, if you are like me and write daily, or that you were just writing this for fun. Either way Poet High Five

(M²) #3

Thanks, the review was very helpful. I’m not really into poetry but I do it every now and then. For the rhyme scheme, as sort of personal taste thing, I don’t like sticking to strict rhyme schemes. I like the poem to be a little more loose. I agree with you I probably overused similes, but with yoyoing, which is something so natural to us, but rather distant to most, I felt they appealed to the non-yoyoer. Thanks again for the review.