rate my paper!


#1

My paper on the birth order theory:

Bug Mika
Ms. Walker
English, 7 Writing, Section 62
09/29/10

		Birth order theory 

The birth order theory is a theory proposed by Dr. Alfred Adler. The theory’s main focus is the five classes of birth: First, middle, last, only and twin children. While the whole theory is in a perfect scenario, correct. The theory’s expressed ideas revolve around stereotypes that the theory itself may have established. The standard, “fist child is most mature, middle child is neglected” idea is emphasized. However, modern day families have changed to where oddities in the family are common. Being a first born myself, I find that this theory is a mix in between fact and fiction.
The first born theory is, like the entirety of the theory is a mixed bag. The speculation suggests that the first born have “Greater level of confidence, taken seriously, patient, organized, strong powers of concentration, confidence to dream and plan, feel supported, and feel they will be respected for what they do.” I do agree with this statement. Those who are born first will have greater power and stronger feelings of support. However, there is a loophole in this plot. The greater confidence comes from the fact that the first born is the oldest; the confidence within an individual is developed through time, making the younger, usually shyer. The theory also suggests that the first born “tends to be selfish with possessions and attention.” This is incorrect, in my experience; the last born usually develops this trait. Some of these traits seem to be pulled out of thin air, such as “have a hard time with creative projects, do not work well with no direction, do not gravitate towards jobs such as: sales, advertising, art, or music, as there is no structure, or stability in these careers.” This statement seems to be made with no logical support. I myself am a street performer, which in itself is an act that requires constant creativity in order not to bore your crowd with the same act twice. This conclusion seems to be made with no logical evidence backing it up.
The theory of birth order is a mixed bag, on one hand, making conclusions that seem to be correct, but can be concocted using common sense. On another, using complete illogic. However, theory is like a folktale, it spreads, and as it spreads, the story changes. I have read several different articles on the same topic in my searches. I cannot come to a full conclusion without examining the original theory in itself. From what I have read though, the theory seems as if it needs a modern revision, as the world has changed tremendously since the 1900’s

Source for quotes: http://www.birthorderandpersonality.com/id15.html


#2

very good. clap clap clap


#3

That’s nice, coming from a grammar cop.


#4

You may wanna fix that. It’s a subordinate clause (I believe. Please correct me if I’m wrong.)

Some things:
I made plot bold, because it doesn’t really work in that context. I think the word you are looking for is situation, or a synonym for scenario as you used before.

Your repeated confidence twice in the second paragraph. It sounds bad, you may wanna fix that. Try something like aplomb, or courage.

Trait was also repeated within a short space. Try another synonym.

I put a question mark at the end of the second paragraph. You should try to write something that will provide a smooth transition into the next paragraph.

On another, using complete illogic. - is a fragmented sentence. It’s a subordinate clause as well (though, of course, I’m not 100% again.)

In the last paragraph, I put a strike through though, because the sentence works smoother without it, and it provides a stronger argument. You also forgot a period at the end. :stuck_out_tongue:

Overall, VERY good essay. I enjoyed it, and it shows that effort went into it. Great job!


(M²) #5

I skimmed through it, and the only thing i reccomand is that instead of saying something is simply not true, i’d just say “in my opinion” because you really don’t have enough evidance to contridict things like that… in my opinion.