Jokes


#1

Share your jokes here!

There are rules though.

  • No sexist, racist, religionist etc. jokes or any jokes that make fun of people.
  • No vulgar words, not even replacing a “specific 4 letter word” with water dam.
    [li]Please don’t post posts on this post without a joke on it. If you want to tell someone that their joke was funny, post a joke too! I don’t want this thread to be full of "HAHA"s.

Thats all. Now post away!


(JonasK) #2

Bleh, the rules rule out the fishsticks joke.


#3

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
lol

You know you live in 2009 when …

1.) you accidentally entered your password on a microwave

2.) you haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years

3.) the reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don’t have a screen name or myspace

4.) you’d rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on tv

6.) your boss doesn’t even have the ability to do your job

7.) you read this list and you keep nodding & smiling

8.) as you read this list you think of about sending it all to your friends

9.) and you were too busy to notice number 5

10.) you actually scrolled up back up to check that there was a number 5

11.) and now you’re laughing at your stupidity

12.) You use text talk in real life conversation


#4

Jokes:

  1. Why don’t you send me an email so I can delete it.

  2. Question: What’s the difference between the teacher and the train?
    Answer: The train said “choo-choo”, and the teacher said “SPIT OUT OF YOUR GUM!!!”

  3. Question: Why does the letter “A” look like a flower?
    Answer: Because the bee/ “B” always comes after it.

  4. Question: Why did the teacher married the janitor?
    Answer: Because the janitor swept her off her feet.

  5. Question: Why did the man put his wallet in the freezer?
    Answer: Because he wants a cold hard cash!

Happy Throwing! =]


(Mikey) #5

boy: mama, does god use are bathroom?
mama:no, why?
boy:because daddys always saying, “God! are you still in there?”


#6

One day a man’s boat capsized, and he was floating in the water without PFDs, and was drowning. Luckily, it was a busy spot in the ocean, and soon a boat came by. The boat asked, “Do you want a ride?”
The man said, “Nah, God will save me.”
Then, a submarine came by. It too asked if he wanted to be saved, and he said, “Nah, God will save me.”

The man drowned.

In heaven, he asked God, “Why didn’t you save me?”

God said," I tried, I sent a boat and a submarine, but you wouldn’t accept."


(Jeromy K.) #7

Three old men sitting on a bench the first looks at the two others and says, “every morning at 6:00am I get up and go to the bathroom and I stand there for 20 or 30 min nothing”, the second looks at the others and say “that is nothing I get up every morning at 5:30 am and sit there for 45 min and nothing”, the third says to the others “I have you both beat every morning at 8:00 am I empty my bladder and bowls every morning”. The two other men look at him and say what is the problem with that. His reply “I don’t get up until 9:00am”. :wink:


#8

There was once a magical mirror. Anyone who told a lie in front of it was sucked into it. One day, a man looked into the mirror. He said, “Wow! I think I’m very handsome!” - WOOSH! He was sucked in.

A woman came by, and said, “Wow! I think I’m pretty!” - WOOSH! She was sucked in.

An mentally ill man came by, and said, “Wow! I think-” WOOSH! He was sucked in.

Great jokes guys! Keep it up!


#9

A guy goes into a bar with an aligator. He says “If I put my testicals in this aligators mouth and they come out unharmed then every one has to buy me a drink.” he does it for about ten seconds and smashes a beer bottle on the gatter’s head so it releses his testicals. they come out unharmed and everyone buys him drinks. He says"If anyone can do this I will give them 100$." A hand raises in the back and they say"I’ll do it as long as you don’t smash the bottle on my head" :smiley:

From the book “Jokes Every Man Should Know”


#10

Try not to post jokes like this, thanks. ;D


#11

Yup! They don’t sound very ‘right’.

A man walked into a bar when he wanted to drink some beer. Why did he get knocked out instantly?

Answer (highlight it): He walked into a metal bar.


#12

Yeah lol, that joke is similar to the the child in the movie “Pursuit of Happiness.”

Happy Thrrowing! =]


#13

Here is a military story I read from reader’s digest:

A veteran go’s to a high school for a speech and giving the students a chance to learn about this kind of stuff.

“Right now we are in a war with Iraq and are in quite a jam. Here’s an example, who has played Call of Duty 5?”

“I have” says a kid.

“Have you gotten to the bridge level yet?”

“Yeah.”

“How do you beat that?”

  1. Why does Superman wear his underwear outside?

Spiderman’s outfit is his underwear, Batman wears his on his head, so he needed something original.

  1. Don’t you hate it when I guy parks on a handicapped spot and he walks out completely fine? Well I do, so I ran him over. Made an honest man out of him, then his mom walks out swinging her crutches at me. Took her out with the door!

#14

Nice Jeff Dunham touch :wink:


(VincentD) #15

I did all of that! HAHAHAHAHA

  OK, three strings a walking down the street and they start to get thirsty.  They walk by a bar that has a sign saying "No strings allowed".  The first string thinks this is ridiculous so he walks in and asks for a drink, but is thrown out.  The same thing happens to the second string.  Eventually, the third string decides he'll give it a try.  He ties himself up, ruffles his hair, enters the bar and orders a drink.  The bartender asks, "Wait, are you a string?"  The string responds: 'fraid knot.

#16

What’s a cheerleaders favorite candy?

Airheads

What’s a baseball players favorite candy?

Babe Ruth

What’s an adults favorite candy?

Payday

What’s Superman’s favorite candy?

Clark

What’s a Martians favorite candy?

Mars bar

What’s the Titanic’s favorite candy?

Icebreakers and Lifesavers.

Note: highlight answers


(system) #17

“Why The Computer Is Sick?..”

“Because It Has A Virus”

xD


#18

Well, considering amish people do not have computers or the internet I think its safe to say none of us will be offended by this ;D.

Okay, so, an amish couple was riding in their horse in buggy down a road, and about a mile down the road, the horse out front stops. So the husband gets out of the buggy goes up to the horse and says
“Thats once”
The horse gets up and continues pulling the buggy. About another mile or so down the road the horse stops and sits down, again the husband gets out of the buggy goes up to the horse and says
“Thats twice”
The horse gets up and continues pulling the buggy. Finally about another 2 miles down the road the horse stops and sits down, the husband gets out of the buggy grabs his rifle says
“Thats three!! and blows the horses head off.”
The wife completly shocked by her husbands actions starts yelling and hollering at him
“Why did you kill the horse!!! Now were stuck here in this buggy with no way to get to town!!!” The wife continues yelling at her husband using all sorts of vulgar language. So the husband goes up to the buggy opens the door stares his wife straight in the eyes and says…
“Thats once…”
Teehee!!!