# Grammar freaks, help me out.
**URL:** https://forums.yoyoexpert.com/t/grammar-freaks-help-me-out/23220
**Category:** Unrelated Discussion
**Created:** [January 28, 2011, 2:46am UTC](https://forums.yoyoexpert.com/t/grammar-freaks-help-me-out/23220 "2011-01-28T02:46:59Z")
**Posts on this page:** 9
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@anonyo](https://forums.yoyoexpert.com/u/anonyo)
#### Post date: [January 28, 2011, 2:46am UTC](https://forums.yoyoexpert.com/t/grammar-freaks-help-me-out/23220/1 "2011-01-28T02:46:59Z")
Prep is a summer college program that lets you study 5 days a week for 7 weeks.
Tons of credits, but I think it’s only in Texas.
My friend has been doing this program since 7th grade, and he already has 7 or 8 credits halfway through our 9th grade year.
You have to write a 100-200 word ‘Essay’ on why you would want to be in prep.
Not everybody gets accepted, so I really need somebody to proofread this and tell me how it is. Thanks!
“Why do you want to attend Prep?”
I want to attend Prep to advance my knowledge in Engineering. I want to learn more, and take advantage of what I can before it is too late. I want to be successful in life. I want to attend college. I want to work. I wish to be known in the world.
Every since I was younger, I was always interested in engineering. I would think hours a day on how things worked, and how to make items more consumer friendly while still being efficient. I still do today. If I am not content on my idea, I will think until, in my opinion, it’s satisfactory.
My favorite things to study are History, Economics, and Engineering of all kinds. I also love Physics and finding out how things work.
I am more than willing to devote 7 weeks of my own time into this program to increase my knowledge of Engineering, Science, Mathematics, and Logic
---
### Author:  [@Yummy](https://forums.yoyoexpert.com/u/Yummy)
#### Post date: [January 28, 2011, 3:14am UTC](https://forums.yoyoexpert.com/t/grammar-freaks-help-me-out/23220/2 "2011-01-28T03:14:49Z")
> [@NeilsGnarwhal](#):
>
> I want to be successful in life. I want to attend college. I want to work.
I think that these sentences would read better if they were combined into one. You might also want to think about what order you want to put them in (chronological, importance, etc.).
```auto
I want to be successful in life, I want to attend college, and I want to work.
```
> [@NeilsGnarwhal](#):
>
> I am more than willing to devote 7 weeks of my own time into this program to increase my knowledge of Engineering, Science, Mathematics, and Logic
Don’t forget periods at the end of sentences.
---
### Author:  [@anonyo](https://forums.yoyoexpert.com/u/anonyo)
#### Post date: [January 28, 2011, 3:23am UTC](https://forums.yoyoexpert.com/t/grammar-freaks-help-me-out/23220/3 "2011-01-28T03:23:56Z")
> [@Yummy](#):
>
> > [@NeilsGnarwhal](#):
> >
> > I want to be successful in life. I want to attend college. I want to work.
>
> I think that these sentences would read better if they were combined into one. You might also want to think about what order you want to put them in (chronological, importance, etc.).
>
> ```auto
> I want to be successful in life, I want to attend college, and I want to work.
>
> ```
>
> > [@NeilsGnarwhal](#):
> >
> > I am more than willing to devote 7 weeks of my own time into this program to increase my knowledge of Engineering, Science, Mathematics, and Logic
>
> Don’t forget periods at the end of sentences.
Thanks, I had copy pasted this from word, and I saw that I had forgot a period, but forgot to add it. Haha.
---
### Author:  [@buddhakeith](https://forums.yoyoexpert.com/u/buddhakeith)
#### Post date: [January 28, 2011, 4:21am UTC](https://forums.yoyoexpert.com/t/grammar-freaks-help-me-out/23220/4 "2011-01-28T04:21:12Z")
> [@NeilsGnarwhal](#):
>
> I want to attend Prep to advance my knowledge in Engineering. I would like to learn more, and take advantage of what I can before it is too late. I want to be successful in life, attend college, and eventually work to make a name for myself.
>
> Ever since I was younger, I have been interested in engineering. I would spend hours a day thinking about how things worked, and how to make items more consumer friendly while still being efficient. I still do today. If I am not content with my idea, I will think until, in my opinion, it’s satisfactory.
>
> My favorite things to study are History, Economics, and Engineering of all kinds. I also love Physics and finding out how things work.
>
> I am more than willing to devote 7 weeks of my own time into this program to increase my knowledge of Engineering, Science, Mathematics, and Logic.
changes are in bold, here are the explanations:
1st, you use want to much in the first paragraph, so I changed it to would like purely for aesthetic purposes
Next, the last sentence of the paragraph flows better as one sentence rather than a list of four things, split into four sentences
Changed every to ever
Everything else is just word choice, and what flows better in my opinion
No need to follow all my changes, but those are just the things that i noticed
---
### Author:  [@singdreamyo](https://forums.yoyoexpert.com/u/singdreamyo)
#### Post date: [January 28, 2011, 6:15am UTC](https://forums.yoyoexpert.com/t/grammar-freaks-help-me-out/23220/5 "2011-01-28T06:15:55Z")
> [@Yummy](#):
>
> > [@NeilsGnarwhal](#):
> >
> > I want to be successful in life. I want to attend college. I want to work.
>
> I think that these sentences would read better if they were combined into one. You might also want to think about what order you want to put them in (chronological, importance, etc.)
Agreed, it will sound less choppy to have more complex sentences.
Work with it a little and use your creativity to convey some of your thoughts a little differently to give your writing texture. Instead of starting most sentences with “I,” try a different approach with some of them.
“I want to learn more, and take advantage of what I can before it is too late.”\<-There doesn’t need to be a comma in this sentence, you only need commas before an “and” if there are three or more things you are conveying.
Ex. 1
“I want to have a good experience, learn more, and take advantage of what I can before it is too late.”
Ex. 2
“I want to learn more and take advantage of what I can before it is too late.”
It is a good rough draft and the first step to writing anything is to first get your thoughts written down, no matter what form it’s in. :wink:
---
### Author:  [@Yo\_Yo\_Ma\_X](https://forums.yoyoexpert.com/u/Yo_Yo_Ma_X)
#### Post date: [January 28, 2011, 6:43am UTC](https://forums.yoyoexpert.com/t/grammar-freaks-help-me-out/23220/6 "2011-01-28T06:43:49Z")
> [@singdreamyo](#):
>
> > [@Yummy](#):
> >
> > > [@NeilsGnarwhal](#):
> > >
> > > I want to be successful in life. I want to attend college. I want to work.
> >
> > I think that these sentences would read better if they were combined into one. You might also want to think about what order you want to put them in (chronological, importance, etc.)
>
> Agreed, it will sound less choppy to have more complex sentences.
> Work with it a little and use your creativity to convey some of your thoughts a little differently to give your writing texture. Instead of starting most sentences with “I,” try a different approach with some of them.
>
> “I want to learn more, and take advantage of what I can before it is too late.”\<-There doesn’t need to be a comma in this sentence, you only need commas before an “and” if there are three or more things you are conveying.
> Ex. 1
> “I want to have a good experience, learn more, and take advantage of what I can before it is too late.”
> Ex. 2
> “I want to learn more and take advantage of what I can before it is too late.”
>
> It is a good rough draft and the first step to writing anything is to first get your thoughts written down, no matter what form it’s in. :wink:
You would also insert a comma before an “and” if it is a compound sentence. Your rough draft didn’t have much sentence variation, and because of this, it sounds dull and done by a third grader. Also, It is helpful to use sentences with different forms of verbs. ie, i want to be an engineer, i have wanted to be an engineer, i would become an engineer, i hope to become an engineer, etc.
Also, make sure you stick to the perspective and tense throughout the essay.
---
### Author:  [@catorameus](https://forums.yoyoexpert.com/u/catorameus)
#### Post date: [January 28, 2011, 2:42pm UTC](https://forums.yoyoexpert.com/t/grammar-freaks-help-me-out/23220/7 "2011-01-28T14:42:32Z")
> [@NeilsGnarwhal](#):
>
> “Why do you want to attend Prep?”
>
> I want to attend Prep to advance my knowledge in Engineering. I want to learn more, and take advantage of what I can before it is too late. (Add a transition here to make it flow better) I want to be successful in life. I want to attend college. I want to work. I wish to be known in the world.
> I like the short sentences. It emphasizes your desire.
>
> Every since I was younger, I was always interested in engineering.
> I would rephrase that sentence to something like: “I have always been interested in engineering when I was younger”. Also, I think you mean “ever”, not “every”.
> I would think hours a day on how things worked, and how to make items more consumer friendly while still being efficient (you can merge these two sentences with a semicolon) I still do today. If I am not content with my idea, I will think until, in my opinion, it’s satisfactory.
>
> My favorite things to study are History, Economics, and Engineering of all kinds. I also love Physics and finding out how things work.
>
> I am more than willing to devote 7 weeks of my own time into this program to increase my knowledge of Engineering, Science, Mathematics, and Logic.
Just a few minor things. Hope you get accepted!
---
### Author:  [@quinton](https://forums.yoyoexpert.com/u/quinton)
#### Post date: [January 28, 2011, 3:33pm UTC](https://forums.yoyoexpert.com/t/grammar-freaks-help-me-out/23220/8 "2011-01-28T15:33:44Z")
Rather than waste those last couple of paragraphs on what you enjoy studying, I would try to sell yourself. You need to make sure that the letter hits them, that they take a step back and say “Woah, We need this kid.” You need to make them want you
---
### Author:  [@yoyofoot](https://forums.yoyoexpert.com/u/yoyofoot)
#### Post date: [January 29, 2011, 12:57am UTC](https://forums.yoyoexpert.com/t/grammar-freaks-help-me-out/23220/9 "2011-01-29T00:57:14Z")
It sounds better if you use different sentence patterns. If you use “I” to much in the beginning of your sentences it sounds kind of dull. Try starting some sentences with absolutes, participles, combine them, etc. Unless your doing this intentionally(which depending of the people reading this, this may or may not be a good idea) it gets to repetitive.