ATTENTION ALL USERS


#1

I am entering an essay contest for $1000, If I win, I shall sponsor the next MA states and/or NER, and possibly some more stuff for the community. As so, I want you to nitpick this essay to no end:

the question: Does patriotism really matter?

Bug Mika
Walker
10/18/10
Patriotism

Patriotism is a word that is often tossed around these days. To answer the question, “does patriotism still matter”, you must first ask yourself “what is patriotism”. The most common definition for patriotism is a love for your country. Patriotism goes deep beyond mere love for your country; it is the passion, the dedication to help your country with no matter how small the task. From the money donor, to the troops in Iraq, to the brave veterans of the previous wars, they are all driven by a burning fervor, to serve their country and master the opposing force. Through thick and thin, sun or snow, on a mission of destruction or restoration, true patriots are serving their country in some way. Whether it’s donating money to make the world a better place, to being out on the frontlines preserving the country, patriots are out there, you just have to look at the small things. Without patriotism, we have a country that has managed to eat away at itself on the inside, leaving its hollow remains to rot in the soil that was extolled by the traitors who once lived on it’s now rancid land. If we had no patriots in this world, our former and current troops would have no rationale to defend their country. It is patriotism that drives our troops to fight everyday and what drove all the troops before them. Patriotism is what drove our forefathers to separate our great country from the British. Patriotism is what you show every time you donate even a penny to a cause greater than yourself. Patriotism is extraditing anything that you have in surplus to someone in need. Simply put, patriotism can be giving up some of your daily comforts to others in your community who are less fortunate, to serving in the military, battling, mastering and controlling those who contest the United States of America. So “does patriotism still matter?” yes, it matters more than you would believe.

(SR) #2

Punctuation marks go inside quotes. Check your caps. Try dividing it into paragraphs, expand a little more on your info; elaborate. Start a new paragraph after the second sentence of your essay for example, because that is your intro paragraph. I didn’t really read it through all the way, but just found some minor issues.

Good luck.


(LookAYoYo) #3

also maybe try starting on the history of patriotism. like in the civil war


#4

I hate your essay. Nationalism is worthless. Nothing against you, of course. I just think that was very naive of you to support patriotism. I hope you win, though.


#5

I have to agree with Duckie!

I am in no position to comment, actually, as a “foreigner” haha, but you said ALL users, so there you have it.

/ / /


#6

Afni’s right, don’t get brainwashed.


(Cameron (and his yoyo)) #7

I don’t honestly believe in patriotism because I see the USA as a country that was formed by people who saw corruption in their government, so they decided to revolt and make their own government, that still has corruption. The whole idea of it was dumb to do because you can’t have a perfect government, a utopia is unachievable. They should have delt with their issues, I think you should write about why it doesn’t matter.
DON’T ARGUE POLITICAL VEIWS WITH ME, WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT THOUGHTS SO, THINK BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING.
ESSAY TIPS:
Don’t write on what you believe, write on the easiest topic for you to write on.
Use big words and don’t use, dead words is what I think they are called? (words like I)
USE MLA FORMAT. Don’t answer in one giant blob, answer in parts listing reasons and QUOTES!!!
I would suggest have 3 main reasons a intro with a thesis and a conclusion. If this is a nation wide contest you NEED to step your game up.
You will also need, NEED NEED NEED more information.

Just a few questions, what grade are you and is math and science your stronger subjects?


#8

Thank you Duckie

No offence my friends, but considering some obvious and well-known facts some of the things you have in your essay are complete and utter crap.

Switch off the news and read, just saying

I think we leave the political stuff out now. Nobody wants to get banned or involved in a petty flame war on a YOYO FORUM.

peace

Daf


#9

Patriotism goes hand in hand with nationalism. And in a world full of globilazation (the world is a village) it shouldn’t even exist. It’s a shame it exists. It’s selfish.

I hope you don’t win cause you only view the issue on on point of view and you don’t criticize patriotism one bit. Go ask the thousands of kids that died in Iraq what they think about the American patriotism.

Or ask the birds that died cause of the oil disaster a couple of months ago when the American government decided we (the company i work for) and another dutch company could not go and help to stop the flow of oil cause of some stupid law that doesn’t allow foreign ships in those waters to help thrive the american economy…

I agree that a good thing about it is that you help out the less fortunate persons in your country, but then again. Half your country’s inhabitants are angry with Obama for making the wellfare and social security changes he made. Do these persons concider themselves to be patriots or not?
And why should you care more about the people who live under the same flag as yours than about all the starving children all over the world?

It would sadden me if the judges picked this one to win.

On the other hand i hope you do win, but only cause you’ll put the money to an awesome use…

I hope i didn’t offend people with explaining my point of view. But I probably did… But you asked all users for their opinions so i think a foreign opinion could be helpfull. :wink:


#10

oh, just so you guys know, this essay has nothing to do with my views, in order to win I have to praise the country, apparently, the people who grade the papers only want “positive” papers…


(Cameron (and his yoyo)) #11

Oh, well ok then, that could make sense as to why your answer was like… made up? You need to do more research on patriotism. And don’t copy someones essay online, because if you in and they fin out, thats a lot of trouble…


(LookAYoYo) #12

so do what i do with almost every essay that i do not agree with what i am supposed to do. either

  1. BS it. though, to do this properly, it takes years of experience in procrastination and making things sound believable. there are some extents, like if you know the fact, then use it rather than make something up.

or 2) Take a big risk. there is a quote i think i remember: “something safe is average; something risky is good.” (see that? that is an experienced use of option #1). there are some good myths (i dont know if they are true or not) of people writing risky essays and they pay off. there was the girl who was charged with the task of writing a philosophy paper for her PHD about a chair, and she wrote, “What chair?” and turned in that. she got the PHD

Also, the girl who applied to harvard and the essay was “what is a brave thing that you have done in your life?” and the girl wrote “This.” got in.

or (this one is true)myself, who wrote a paper for my english teacher and the question was “What do you think you could teach?” i wrote “Do you mean ‘In what do you think you could teach?’”

moral of the story, take a risk. if it pays off, good. if it doesn’t, think of the chances of winning anyways. and btw THE BS PART WAS A JOKE!!!


#13

I know what to write on my Harvard application…

(my school is literally next door to Harvard)


(Q) #14

Let’s hope it’s better thought out that the essay.

Seriously, without even reading this I can tell you that it’s not very well thought out. No offense intended, but it can’t just be a wall of text. Throw in some passion, throw in historical quotes, facts and figures. Hit the enter key every now and again. The point of an essay is to attract attention to the paper, which you don’t do very well. Start off with a catchy opener. Make someone have to guess what the paper is about. You basically say, “This is about Patriotism”. An opener I would use would be:

“Look around in today’s society and you may seem some horrific things. Crime rates are higher than ever, people line up at soup kitchens, hoping for their next meal. Unemployment percentages are at an all time high, with the stock markets approaching an all time low. Yet, moral in this country never goes down. Patriotism is what keeps this country alive, and although some people say that Patriotism doesn’t matter, to many, it is all that there is.”

Also, get your commas and periods straight. work on proper usage of words. capitalize more. and also, try to start sentences with something other “Patriotism is” or “It is.” I write essays to expand upon a subject, an essay is what you throw your views into. Don’t tell us what it is.

And, THROW SOME BODY INTO THIS THING! I’ve written more than you have, and I’m criticizing YOUR paper. There has to be ALOT here! To be honest, if you were entering this contest with th hopes of winning, I wouldn’t count on much. There are going to be people who write 7 pages on the topic, and you have one. ONE. You need MORE STUFF!

Sorry for being such a stickler, but writing is something I love to do. Just trying to help ya out.


(Cameron (and his yoyo)) #15

Really I fake literally all my papers, I never agree with prompts and I am one of those guys who has years of practice with procrastination…


#16

Okay listen here haters. He didnt start this thread for people to tell him how nationalism is bad,bs, ect. He is doing this stuff for you guys, so dont make him regret it. Give him some help, dont be mean.

As for your essay.
divide it up some more, (paragraphs!!!)
Do a little more research.

        Best of luck to yah.

(Cameron (and his yoyo)) #17

Are you blind? We all spoke our opinion to explain how easy it was to choose the other answer to this question, not for no reason. And we HAVE been giving him help, like seriously read, I gave him the same advice you did like 5 posts ago.


#18

I am clearly not blind as I read most the most on this thread. i see you gave him advice but you also criticized him and im just saying its stupid and if you keep it going your just immature. give him advice.move on.